I just found a wonderful spot to sit by a river. First I parked behind a country bar named The Longbranch, and then I climbed over a fence in my sundress and sandles, and walked down the Greenway until I couldn’t hear the noise from the bar anymore. Then I climbed through a bunch of brush and weeds, and now I’m sitting by the river, mud on the butt of my sundress, dirt staining up my arms, and feeling very peaceful. I had a very inspiring conversation on the phone with an old college friend this morning, and for some reason, the conversation made me want to sit by flowing water.
My last two weeks have been insane. Actually, this entire summer has been insane. At the beginning of the summer, I went through a break-up. For the first month after the breakup, I became obsessed with the lines on my face. I’d stare in the mirror, shocked at the age I saw, and unable to stop staring at the marionettes lines forming around my nose, or the single horizontal line between on my forehead. I was obsessed, and I couldn’t think about anything else besides how much I was aging…
Then, two weeks ago, on a Monday night, I was feeling a little better, half-way out of my funk, and I was going downtown for a 3-mile-run that started and ended at a bar. I was excited – I wanted to meet new people, and just have a good time… I was rushing, impatient to get to the bar, and impatient to get outside, running, and I parallel-parked my car in a legal spot, on the side of a busy street. As I opened my car door, a passing-by car hit it.
The cop found me at fault, and the insurance company found me at fault. This destroyed me. I was sooo upset, and for the next couple weeks I found myself in a self-destructive blur.
An old college friend contacted me out of the blue last week. He called me again this afternoon. He gave me the most terrific compliment. He said, “Out of everyone I’ve known in college, I’ve seen your Facebook photos, and I feel like you are aging the best. You look amazing, even better than in college, because you are more confident.”
Just last night, I was telling a guy , that “We were lied to in high school. We were told life will be a fairy tale, but it isn’t. We don’t find true love, and we don’t live happily ever after.”
The afternoon after the car wreck, my mom said to me, “You needed a paradigm shift, well, you got one. A very expensive one…”
She’s right, I suppose.
This morning, I woke up at 7:30 a.m. and really wanted to run. I ran 3 miles, and then returned home and re-hydrated. Then I went back out and ran 3 more. Then I came home again, re-hydrated again, and ran 3 more.
Each of my three runs this morning were marked by a mood – during the first one, I felt dark… I felt like a girl in a very dry movie, probably based in Russia or in a French whorehouse. I saw my life in still shots – I was the single girl, running alone, running past old ladies talking about church, running past young children feeding geese, running past men in triathlon t-shirts pushing baby strollers… And I was alone, running, flashes of the man from the night before, flashes of the seven disappearing pints of beer… flashes of he and I, trying to connect, but too drunk to say anything intelligent.
I returned home from Run #1, got a surge of energy, and went back out. Run #2 was much nicer – I felt good. Run #3 felt absolutely amazing…
Then I came home and made spaghetti squash. I talked to my old college friend, napped, talked to my mom, showered, and now I am sitting by a river in a sundress and sandles, legs caked in mud, thinking about the adventures that will come to me in the next year…
I cannot wait for them to happen…
Today, I am filled with beauty and light. That compliment bouyed me. It was what I needed to feel good again.
The self-destructive behavior ends today…
Tonight I want to… I want to eat vegetables for dinner. I want to design, I want to make art… I don’t want to be stagnant. I want to feel, I want to be… ALIVE.
Cricket noises… Mmmm… The sounds of fall.
I haven’t found all the answers, but I am on my way, on my path.
I asked my old college friend, I said, “Do you think it’s ok to live your life without achieving your dreams?”
He said yes, it’d be sad, but if you were happy in your life, then your life was a success.
Me, I can’t just live with the day-to-day droll. I need to fulfill some dreams; I need to do something more. Just living might be enough for some people, but it’s not enough for me.