When I was in college, I could be happy listening to music in my room and chilling out. I didn’t need to be doing anything major. Why? I had a big goal: to finish four years of college. It was nice to have forced goals back then; adult life is sort of aimless. Wouldn’t it be awesome if in adult life you had to pass tests and grades, too? I wish I could get a diploma for passing Grade 1-12 adulthood. But no one gives me awards anymore, and I don’t have any major life goals. So I decided to write my own!
Here is the Sh’Bieue-approved grade-level breakdown of adult life:
Grade 1: Get your own place to live. Break even financially. Pay rent each month. Don’t punch people in the face when they annoy you. Eat nutritional foods. Work out at least 3 times a week. You passed! Here’s your diploma!
Grade 2: Don’t compete with the Joneses (whoever the heck they are.) Do your own thing as long as you don’t hurt others. Pay attention so that you know when you hurt others, and apologize when you do.
Grade 3: Stay in touch with your family and maintain these familial relationships. You can either be a matriarch, or just show up. But do so consistently.
Grade 4: Give something back. Volunteer, donate, or whatever. Just get involved.
Grade 5: Be there for your friends when they need you. If they call you at 2 a.m. and need a ride, or if they need someone to see a movie with, just be there.
Grade 6: Be nice to mother earth.
Grade 7: Become resilient. Don’t automatically swing back if you’re attacked unless it’s absolutely necessary. Don’t be automatically defensive.
Grade 8: Create a schtick. Whether it’s bringing orange wine to your friend’s houses, or wearing big necklaces, have something fun and outward that defines you as an individual.
Grade 9: As my grandma used to say, focus outward, not inward. Worry about somebody or something besides yourself.
Grade 10: Learn to slow down. Don’t live on autopilot.
Grade 11: Smile because you want to. Find a reason to smile. Achieve true happiness.
Grade 12: Write a thesis on your most important dream life goal. And then live it.