I talk about New Year’s goals, but I never make achievable ones. This year will be different. Here are a few resolutions I’m hoping to keep:
I will wake up every morning at 5:00 a.m. with great aspirations, and then I will shop on Ulta.com for two hours until it’s time to get ready. I will use more single-use plastics. I will eat beef instead of fish. I will surf the web. I will skip my morning stretches and my evening jogs. I will eat more tomatoes and drink gin and consume other drinks and eats that irritate my sensitive stomach. I will talk behind friends’ backs and judge and gossip about them. I will buy cheap, thoughtless gifts for friends and family at Dollar Tree. I will watch 4 hours of tv in the evening to alleviate my boredom while eating brownies and popcorn. I will avoid learning any new activities or skills. I will think about calling friends I haven’t seen in a while, but I won’t. I will practice passive aggression until I feel accomplished. I will ignore my cats. I will use more paper towels and fewer reusable towels. And mostly, I will work on my Karen badge by yelling at more store clerks and being more impatient in lines. As a timesaver, I will call my parents less and use the extra time to make and eat more Ghiradelli desserts. I will never meet friends for lunch. I think next year will be a success!
Worthy goals